You're Waving Goodbye, Well at Least You're Having Fun..

I'm reading a book right now titled "The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us" (don't ask why) which says that one in 25 people have no conscience.  One in 25 people have no sense of guilt or accountability and no sense of right and wrong.  One in 25...that's 4% of the population.  One is more likely to be sociopathic than to be anorexic.  The book talks about how unfathomable this is to the "normal human" because we're taught that a conscience is something that everybody instinctively has.  One of the hardest things for me to accept is that there is such a thing as a person who has no conscience.  It's even more unpleasant to accept that someone I trusted is one of those people.  I've been told that I have an "overly active conscience."  This makes me a sucker in relationships with these people because one can so easily appeal to my sense of guilt...which leads me to take responsibility for an irredeemable relationship and sometimes even feel guilty for my own hurt feelings.

NEWSFLASH TO MYSELF: Stop.

I get so passionate about things and sometimes that gets me into trouble.  My dad calls it "eternal optimism."  Eternal optimism is the reason why my dog, Bear, thinks that every time someone leaves the house he too will get to go, although 99.9% of the time...that boy's staying home.  Besides comparing myself to my dog, eternal optimism is also the reason why I can try for years to fix something that never wanted to be fixed.  Eternal optimism also causes me to do this with so much passion that it hurts.

I don't mean to sound bitter or cynical...I don't feel either of those things.  But learning that not all are good people is a difficult thing for me to accept.  I tend to put an insurmountable amount of faith in people.  I believe that people are good despite their mistakes.  To learn that some people genuinely don't care to redeem their mistakes because they don't see them as such is a tough pill for me to swallow.  But I also believe that knowledge is power and I have learned that continuing to participate in these kinds of relationships is simply not an option for me...now or ever.  THE GOOD NEWS is that on Sunday (that's five days away!!) I get to leave home, go abroad, and continue living my life the way I prefer to...in peace.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."


Side note: I'm handing out virtual high fives to those who picked up on the Something Corporate reference.

Take...Due!

"Even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."

Yesterday I wrote a post about my family issues that after re-reading a few hours later, I had to remove.  Not because I didn't mean everything I said, but because I don't want my blog tainted by all that anger...and also because I didn't want you to have to read that shit.

SO TODAY I downloaded GoogleEarth and looked at where I'll be living, which turns out, is right smack dab in the middle of heaven!

If you can see the blue square in the very center...that's my apartment.  Yep, that's right, the blue square that's right in between the two huge churches!  That's the Santa Maria del Fiore (the Duomo) in the right corner.  I'll be walking by this every day to go to class.  In the left corner is the Basilica di San Lorenzo.  I'll be walking by this every time I go to my cooking class or my wine appreciation class.  Not to mention that my writing class is right on the river and is a block away from a different church.  Yeah...life is going to be AWESOME!

This Post Has No Title, Hope That's Cool...

So I happen to be taking an Ethics course at the same time that I face an overwhelming ethical dilemma that I wish I could share with you.  Our most recent assignment was to write a Values Statement outlining our five or six most important personal values.  Here is my Values Statement...

       When compiling a list of my personal values, I primarily consider how I prefer to treat people and the ways in which I prefer to approach conflict.  First, I value peace; not hippie-flowers-and-world-peace kind of peace (although that's good too), but instead a sense of internal calmness.  I believe it is important to have a sense of calmness when faced with people or situations over which we have no control.  To have this kind of peace is to have a strong sense of optimism that painful situations are temporary and that life will go on, even if not in the immediate future.

        I rarely expect life to go on without difficulty, which is why I also value strength.  It's true that the only thing in life we can control is ourself.  I value strength because I believe it is important for people to be able to stand on their own two feet in order to persevere in face of the things they can't control.  I believe that the way out of painful situations is always through them, which undoubtedly requires hard work.  I further believe that we find strength in doing what we believe is right despite the risk of difficult consequences.  I value strength as a means of trusting myself to determine my own way of going through life, despite negative influences.

       I also value empathy as a means of acceptance and forgiveness.  I find that the ability to imagine yourself in someone else's shoes is extremely important because I firmly believe the world would be a better place if everyone sought simply to be more understanding.  With empathy, we can learn to accept the things about one another that makes things difficult.  I value the ability to accept differences without trying to change them.  I also value empathy in relationships because it allows people to share one another's pains and joys.  Empathy is the reason people care for one another.

       Furthermore, I value learning because it is crucial to growth.  I learn something from each difficult person I meet or each difficult situation I face.  I learn something about the way I prefer to approach people and I am reminded about what's important.  I believe in constantly trying to make myself better.  The only way to make myself better is to learn HOW to make myself better.  I find it to be true that experience is the best teacher.  With each difficult person I encounter, I learn more about the person I want to be.

       While I do seek to grow, I also seek to stay young which is why I value youthfulness.  With youthfulness comes humor and fun: two things I find essential to happiness no matter how peaceful or strong a person may be.  I believe finding a reason to laugh is a skill that's highly underrated because it keeps us young.  Life is hard enough on its own without us taking it more seriously that we should.  I value youthfulness because I think it's important to be excited about every stage of life.

       Finally, I value thankfulness.  I believe that there is always something to be thankful for or happy about.  I believe those who are fortunate should appreciate and be grateful for everything they have and I believe that finding something to be grateful for can ease pain during difficult situations.  I appreciate everything I've been given and when life is painful, I remember to be grateful that I have my health, my family and my future.  I value thankfulness because experience has taught me that it can drastically improve one's state of mind and give way to a sense of simplicity and peace.

"Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement."


"Inspire others to be their best by being your best."

Live As Well As You Dare

I edited my bucket list the other day and I thought I'd be predictable and share it with you.  I'll be happy if I don't do everything on my list...but it's cool to think about and I encourage everyone to make a bucket list.  DO IIIIIIT!!

Bold is for things I've either already done, or plan to do while abroad.

1. Learn how to surf
2. Learn how to salsa dance
3. Learn how to juggle
4. Do hot yoga
5. Go skydiving
6. Go bungee jumping
7. Go scuba-diving
8. Ride in a hot air balloon
9. Be fluent in at least 4 languages (halfway there!)
10. Get a tattoo (So soon!)
11. Learn how to play guitar
12. Cook my way through an entire cookbook
13. Learn how to drive a stick
14. Create a list of old and/or foreign movies and watch them all
15. Attend a reality TV reunion show
16. Attend a fashion show
17. Learn about Feng Shui
18. Learn how to meditate
19. Visit a psychic
20. Get hypnotized
21. Ride on a motorcycle
22. Ride in a helicopter
23. Send a message in a bottle
24. Take a belly dancing class
25. Grow a bonsai tree
26. Grow my own tomatoes
27. Grow my own orchids
28. Give a toast
29. Buy a drink for everyone in the bar
30. Help restore a classic car
31. Spend the night in a haunted house
32. Watch every movie that has won an Academy Award for Best Picture
33. Learn how to change a flat tire
34. Take a kick boxing class
35. Learn how to sail
36. Go white water rafting (done!)
37. Experience weightlessness
38. Learn Sign Language
39. Have *** in a library
40. Have *** on the beach...only with the right person
41. Join the Mile High Club
42. Go to a shooting range
43. Compose a song on piano
44. Go on a canopy tour
45. Ride a mechanical bull
46. Ride a dirt bike
47. Have a reason to say, "Quick, follow that car!"
48. Go whale-watching
49. Adopt a dog from an animal shelter
50. Spend time at a spiritual retreat
51. Read the entire Bible

52. Start keeping up with NFL
53. Start keeping up with NHL
54. Go to a World Cup game
55. Go to an NBA finals game
56. Meet Rajon Rondo
57. Go to a World Series game
58. Go to an NCAA Basketball Championship game
59. Go to the Kentucky Derby
60. Go to a Rodeo
61. Go to a game in Rupp Arena
62. Go to a Celtics v. Lakers game in Boston
63. Go to a Kansas v. Kentucky basketball game

64. Go to Carnivale in Venice
65. Go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras
66. Salsa dance in Cuba
67. See the Egyptian pyramids
68. Stand on the Wall of China
69. Throw a coin in the Trevy Fountain
70. Go back to Paris and repeat the walk from Arc de Triomphe to the Eiffel Tower
71. Ride in a gondola
72. See an opera in Italy
73. Go on an Alaskan cruise
74. Visit to Hawaii
75. See the White House
76. Visit the Hershey Chocolate Factory in Pennsylvania
77. Visit the Four Corners (AZ, NM, UT, CO)
78. Go to the Playboy Mansion
79. Go to Ground Zero
80. Visit the Statue of Liberty
81. Ice skate at Rockefeller Center during Christmas time
82. See the Northern Lights
83. Gamble in Las Vegas (done!)
84. Go to the Brazilian Carnival
85. Buy weed in Amsterdam
86. Go to Times Square on New Year's Eve
87. Eat escargot
88. Eat a fruit I've never heard of
89. Visit a winery in Napa Valley
90. Watch a sumo wrestling match in Japan
91. Visit an Ashram
92. Go on an African safari
93. Walk in a rain forest
94. Snowboard in the Alps
95. Shop on Rodeo Drive
96. Visit the Wailing Wall
97. Ride a camel
98. Ride an elephant
99. See a kangaroo
100. Go to Oktoberfest
101. Visit Quebec
102. Participate in La Tomatina in Spain
103. See an eruption of Old Faithful
104. Visit a Spanish winery


105. Fall in love
106. Get married
107. Have a 50th wedding anniversary
108. Have a child
109. Adopt a child
110. Have a large family
111. Fly in a jet that Chris has worked on
112. Send children to college without student loans
113. Live abroad for at least one year
114. Go back to school
115. Live alone with my own dog
116. Have a blog among the top 1000
117. Become a runner
118. Take up yoga
119. Volunteer in a Third World country
120. Work for a political campaign
121. Have my photography published
122. Write a book
123. Give piano lessons
124. Have a basement dedicated to sports memorabilia
125. Have Thanksgiving dinner with Mom's side of the family
126. Take Dad on a vacation
127. Be a great-grandmother

"Live as well as you dare" -- Sydney Smith

My Mother's Daughter

"I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become." -- Oprah


Being my mother's daughter is a lot of work.  It forces me to grow up faster than I would like and make sense of things that feel entirely beyond my years.  It forces me to play the role of "detective" in search for the truth and it forces me to be the "bigger person" more often than I would like.  I take on these responsibilities and I strive to be a good person, but as a 21-year-old with a personality as big and stubborn as my own, sometimes I just want to fight.  I crave the occasional opportunity to yell or have an outburst of immaturity...but being my mother's daughter becomes only a series of fights and blackmail if I surrender to these temptations.  And the irony is that, while I strive for a calm and simple life, my mother continues to see me simply as a rebellious teenager with an "attitude" she never learned how to control.

Being my mother's daughter means that family issues are guaranteed to go unresolved.  The rooms of my mother's house remain occupied by several giant elephants that portray my mother in a negative light.  I will unconditionally love my mom until the day that I die, but that doesn't come without the knowledge that she is excellent at making awful decisions.  My mom has made a series of bad decisions at the expense of our family, yet these things go unresolved because my mother has learned how to deceive herself better than anyone else I have yet to meet.  She has the ability to block out conversations, fights or even entire life tragedies simply by telling herself that they didn't happen or that they were someone else's "fault."  I have only a theory about what could cause a person to be so afraid of the truth, and that's guilt.

With the understanding that I may be wrong, I have come to believe that my mother is afraid to face her mistakes.  Doing so simply causes her more pain than she knows what to do with.  The way I've learned to love my mom is by feeling sympathy for the heavy weight that she carries, even if the weight is rightfully hers, and even if she doesn't realize she's carrying it.  I love my mother because I try to accept the things about her that makes things for me more difficult.  Accepting my mother's denial and guilt is difficult because they so closely affect me and so often piss me off, but I guess the silver lining is that I've become determined to live my life without the company of such giant elephants.

I've learned that everybody has a different way of dealing with the things they can't control.  Life has thrown my mother a lot of curveballs that she never learned how to deal with.  Learning that life has essentially defeated her is a tough pill to swallow.  It's like I said...I love my mother unconditionally, but being my mother's daughter isn't easy.

"La calma è la virtù dei forti." -- "Tranquility is a virtue of the strong."

Show on the Road, Please!

I haven't been writing lately.  This is partially because I get insecure about my writing skills and partially because I have not been finding myself all that interesting lately.  I go to class, I go to work, and during my free time I try not to wait around for the arrival of August 28th.  However I still feel extremely restless.  I am restless with my life as if I'm waiting for something interesting to happen.  I'm ready to experience something different.  Something other than living in Lawrence and waiting tables.  I love Lawrence and I love the life I have here, but I've already lived it.

I've hit some extremely high highs here as well as some pretty low lows.  I've surprised myself and I've let myself down.  I've been a leader which I enjoyed...as well as hated.  I've been in love and I've also been heartbroken.  I have felt helpless, stupid, and at times really really pissed.  I've worried about what others think of me and I've given up worrying about what others think of me.  I've been a bitch and I've been a people pleaser (I found that when given the option, I will choose to be a bitch over a people pleaser any day).  I've met some pretty unreasonable people and I've met some of the best people I know.  I've learned a lot so far and I can honestly say that I don't have any regrets, but I can also honestly say that I am ready for a break from this place.  I know the "Show Goes On" but can we not just get this show on the road?!  I'm waiting!

My "Mundane" Life

"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."

To paint you a picture of my current life: today I went to work, made about $80, bought a bottle of wine on my way home, and am now sitting in bed with my laptop and a chick flick to keep me company.  Since the semester has ended, my life consists of working.  Working and hanging out by myself.  As pathetic as that sounds, I've started to enjoy it.  I've either done a good job of distracting myself from the lack of friends I have in town or I'm just appreciating the alone time.  But while adjusting to the current mundaneness of my summer life, I've had the chance to do a lot of thinking (shocker, I know).

There have been a few bad days since Lawrence has become a ghost town...like days when I don't make money at work, or when I spend my day off at Midas putting far too much money toward fixing my car.  But then I remember that I don't have bad days very often.  About 4 or 5 years ago, it seemed that most days were bad days.  I don't too much enjoy feeling sorry for myself, especially when my biggest problems are things as insignificant as money and boredom.  I'm sure not everybody works in the same way I do but for me, the dull times allow me to check in, or "reflect," for lack of a word less corny.  I tend to find clarity in the transition times.

Aside from making a lot of new friends at work, I've been spending my free time exploring the forgotten parts of my music library, expanding my sports repertoire, and reading for actual pleasure.  This is the first time I've written in a while because I feel like I have nothing new or exciting to report except for the fact that I'm enjoying the mundaneness.  As my roommate and I always used to say, "Hindsight is 20/20."  The things I've been thinking about lately include annoyingly deep subjects such as god, religion, my previously mentioned love life and my family.  I'm sure I'll bore you on those subjects at a later date but for now, I'm simply enjoying my routine and I CANNOT wait until Vegas.  Only 2 days!!!

I'm sure I'll have far more interesting stories to share once I return.

"Those who fly solo sometimes have the strongest wings."