Seventh Inning Stretch Already???

Well things have been great!  There have been a few struggles, like I knew there would be, but I can't say that there has been a time since living here that things haven't been great.  A few weekends ago, I visited the Accademia and saw what else, but Michelangelo's David.  There really isn't much else to see in the Accademia but it was definitely still cool to be in the place where Michelangelo studied and became a sculptor.  Not to mention that the David actually IS amazing...it's just really huge and kind of perfect.  That same weekend was the weekend we went to the Firenze vs. Lazio soccer game(!!) which was exactly what you would expect it to be, although I would've loved to be in the general admission seats because it seemed similar to KU's student section...except rowdier.  Since then, the search has been on to figure out which team I like so I can finally have a reason to follow soccer like the entire rest of the world does.

This past weekend, I visited the Uffizi Gallery and after seeing the Birth of Venus and other paintings that I was told to admire, I have to admit that I was not as blown away by Italian paintings as I was by the paintings I saw in Paris.  Our guide described Michelangelo, Botticelli and Leonardo da Vinci as some of the greatest painters to ever live and, not that I claim to be knowledgable (to any degree) about art, but I can definitely say now that my personal preferences lean toward French art.  After the Uffizi Gallery, we took a day trip to Orvieto, which looks like a storybook version of a sleepy, small Italian village with a lot of history.  It's as isolated as a small island because it's on top of a high plateau made of volcanic rock.

The view was amazing!

Underground Estruscan city

I'm in a well, what's up!

A few days ago, I walked up to Piazzale Michelangelo which overlooks the entire city of Florence.  There was a guy singing and playing guitar on the steps, which was perfect because he sang all the great stuff!  Bob Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind," Phil Collins' "True Colors," John Lennon's "Imagine," and Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah"...you know, to name a few. 

He was fantastic...

It was a good day for my camera and I :)

I have midterms next week which, in itself, is extremely bizarre.  If I were home in Lawrence, I'd be pulling all-nighters at the library with Stephanie and doing very unhealthy things to my body to try and get through the week.  So, I know I'll be in for a rude awakening next semester when I have to return to real school (oddly enough, part of me misses real school).  But because I'm here, midterms are a reminder of how quickly the time is racing by me.  Even at home, I notice how fast the semesters fly, but I'm sincerely convinced that the days here actually consist of fewer hours because there's no way that I only have two months left in this place.  I've just started settling in!  I know that, especially after Midterms and Fall Break are over, December 18th is going to come as quickly as I can snap my fingers...which SUCKS!  Wasn't it just yesterday that we were touring Rome, anxious to move into our Florence apartments?

However, I will admit...the Cardinals are REALLY giving me some reasons to miss home.  Not only are there no Cardinals fans here, but there are no baseball fans and all the games begin at 2am.  What I would give to teleport back (even just for one game) to drink a Budweiser and watch the game with all my St. Louis friends who understand me!  Go Cards!!

"Every notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?" - Marilyn Monroe

"Set your sights high, the higher the better.  Expect the most wonderful things to happen, not in the future but right now.  Realize that nothing is too good.  Allow absolutely nothing to hamper you or hold you up in any way." - Eileen Caddy


Some more photos...just for kicks:

Cool grafitti in Orvieto

Vintage Market that I love

View from where I sit, mmhmm

Arno River

We Just Got Swallowed Up by the Whole Damn World

I usually leave my writing class feeling really inspired and there's no reason why I should've waited until a month in to let the inspiration take me where it pleases, but I guess better late than never.  Normally after class, I simply go home and I don't know why I do that.  I have no more obligations for the day so why don't I do more exploring?  I don't know where my thirst for these things has been hiding recently but thank god it's back because in case I forgot...I'm in Italy!

Today after class, I walked.  I accidentally walked to cross the bridge much farther away than the one behind me, the one I meant to cross.  But the good news is that I have nowhere to be!  And I think I just decided to start bringing my camera with me to class because I just saw a man, at least fifty years of age, rowing down the river and I wish I could've taken a picture because that was cool.

I should probably describe my location.  I crossed the bridge and once I did I found a shady spot to sit on the wall that lines the river.  The wall steps down which makes it perfect for leaning on.  I can see the entire city from here.  I can see the towering bell towers of Palazzo Vecchio and Santa Croce.  In front of Palazzo Vecchio I can see the two towers of the library that's right by the class I just came from.  And behind Santa Croce I can see my Duomo.  It looks much better from here, where I can actually appreciate it.  When I'm simply trying to get from point A to point B, I'm always too busy fighting through tourists, artists or horsedrawn carriages and littering the ground with my cigarette butts trying to look unapproachable for the sake of being left alone just once.

The Arno looks better from here as well.  When the sun shines the water actually looks blue.  You have to look at a distance though.  Don't look at the water right below you, unless you like the sight of dirty green water, in which case, go ahead.  I don't think I've been so peacefully alone since I've been here and it feels great.  The occasional bikers or small groups of Italian friends pass by, which I like because I love eavesdropping on Italian conversations, but there isn't an abundance of Americans!  They're all over there on the main side taking photos of these ancient landmarks and taking guided tours where they're being told what to look at and what to appreciate and what to rave about later.  It's a bit of a game that goes on here.  People marvel at what their touring books have told them to marvel at.  They go to the Gucci and Prada stores, take rides on the horsedrawn carriages, buy the miniature versions of the David, always always always buy gelato, and enjoy their vacation to "Renaissance Disneyland."  I admit that sometimes it's fun to play along with the game because after all, there is a reason so many people come here to marvel and take pictures.  When I walk past these places I sincerely try to remember to appreciate the architecure, the art and the history that make these buildings so famous.  But the games does make it difficult to see things through your own eyes and and admit that those famous buildings are definitely looking mighty fine from far away where they're not being such a burden.


In class today, we discussed the idea of distinguishing ourselves as either a nomad or a settler.  A settler being someone who has, or desires to have, a place to call home.  And a nomad being someone who is always moving and never stays in one place long enough to call it home.  I said that I think I'm a wannabe nomad because while travelling makes my heart smile and I get ancy if I stay in one place for too long without at least a weekend getaway, I have always had a place to call home.  I've lived in St. Louis my entire life.  I'm happy to have a place to call home, but is St. Louis STILL home?  We've talked about this in my class before as well.  Where is home?  Your hometown?  College town? Current town?  For me...

St. Louis equals home because my parents have lived there my whole life.  It's where I grew up, went to high school and met my best friends.  It's the city that has made me a Cardinal for life who will stay up until 5am watching a playoff game while the rest of Florence is fast asleep.

But Kentucky equals family.  I feel just as much at home at my grandparents' house in my dad's hometown as I do at my house in my hometown.  Since being in Italy, I'm discovering that my Kentuckian family has had more influence on me than I knew.  When I listen to stories upon stories of my dad's life, my uncle's life, my grandparents' lives, and even my grandaunts' and granduncles' lives in Kentucky, I can see the sense of pride.  They probably don't notice what I notice but I've definitely noticed that I come from a family that likes to live simply and work hard, aspects of life that I like to apply to my own.  Oh...and family always comes first.  I love that and I love them.  Go UK basketball!! 

My other home though is in Lawrence, Kansas where I will be able to say that I spent four amazing years and experienced everything wonderful and awful that is college.  My Kansas home is what causes me to come here and boast with more school pride than my friends can understand.  It's where I met more of my best friends and for the past three years, it's been my home away from home because it's where I live independently from my family and my friends from high school.

But now, Florence is my current home.  It's the home that's undoubtedly changing me, and being here is an experience I'm going to take with me always.  Florence is the city that's caused me to wonder where else I might someday call home.  It's my present, but it too, like St. Louis, Kentucky and Kansas, will change the way I feel about my future.  So add it to the list of places I call home because I love it here!

I'M NEVER COMING BACK!!
(kidding...but really...)

"The secret to life is meaningless unless you discover it yourself." - W. S. Gilbert

A Whole New World

Clearly I haven't been keeping up in the slightest with my blog.  I've been out, you know...living my new life.  I'll try to do better, folks.

This past weekend I went to Munich for what else other than Oktoberfest.  And for those of you who have never been, Oktoberfest is kind of like Vegas in the sense that it really is exactly how you imagine it to be.  It consisted of a lot of beer drinking, pork eating, singing, table dancing and my favorite...friend making.  Although Germans tend to get a bad reputation of rudeness and poor senses of humor, I severely beg to differ.  Everyone from the waitresses to the forty-year-old German couple we met to the group of our new German friends seemed concerned only with being reassured that we were having fun.  Those Germans love to cheers (and I do mean about every five minutes).  So "Prost" everybody!

Aside from a festival revolving around beer (which was, in fact, beautiful), the city of Munich was also really beautiful...not to mention the beauty of seeing it all via bike tour.  Now, I hadn't ridden a bike since about the age of ten, but even while recovering from a less-than-mild hangover, seeing the city on peddle was so alluring and surprisingly relaxing.  We biked through the English Garden, which is ten times larger than Central Park (yep!), and I wish I could pack it up and bring it home with me because needless to say, we don't have anything like it in good ole' Lawrence, Kansas.  I wanted to switch places for a day with the girl laying on a blanket next to the river with her dog and her book.

Germany is understatedly an entirely different world from Italy.  The first things I noticed about Munich were its space and its cleanliness.  Munich had wide streets with bike lanes and sidewalks.  In Florence, they are all the same.  The streets are cluttered with pedestrians and bikers and you simply say good riddance to those who actually attempt to navigate in a car.  The streets in downtown Munich also aren't lined with graffitti, tourist groups, gypsies and street vendors like those in Florence.  One of the guys we met pointed out that one of the reasons for this, which made more sense after the bike tour, is that Germany can't exactly be proud of their past, therefore they focus on their present.  Whereas Italy has a fantastically rich history that sometimes prevents its citizens from worrying, or even caring, about their present.  Maybe this bores you and maybe I'm a nerd but I like thinking about things like that.

But make no mistake...after a soothing and thought-inspiring tour of the city, it was right back to the festival we went.  That's why were REALLY there after all.  And the lovely theme song of the weekend went as follows:

I'm a Local!

"There is no foreign land, it is only the traveller that is foreign." -- Robert Louis Stevenson

Yesterday a guy told me that I look Sicilian (which might have just been to butter me up, but I don't care).  And today, an Italian girl, who I assume speaks no English, stopped ME to ask for directions, which I successfully gave her...in Italian.  It's official.  I'm a local!! : )

Things I've learned since living here...

• Florence has a LOT of tourists, which gets annoying when walking to class means fighting through crowds with cameras.
• The people who live in my building really hate Americans.
• Cars, mopeds and even horsedrawn carraiges will run you over if you are in their way.
• Evaluating wine is actually pretty difficult and I'm really bad at it...for now.
• Spraining your ankle and not being able to walk is so much harder than you think it will be.
• Strawberries make for better chasers than limes.
• Going out nearly every night for more than 3 weeks really will wear your body down...whoda thunk.
• Italians truly are more attractive and more well-dressed than Americans.
• Likewise, Italian children are more adorable than American children.
• Gelato > Ice cream
• Cab drivers are angry people.
• A guy will always walk a girl home without being asked, solely out of habitual politeness.
• On the other hand, occasional rudeness is not only recommended...it's necessary, because 70% of the male attention is extremely annoying.
• Bar owners make for sketchy bosses.
• Gypsies are fascinating.
• Eating after 8pm actually is okay.  Dinner at 10pm is becoming a habit.
• Watching a bartender make your drink with fresh fruit is way better than watching him make it with juice.
• I really really enjoy my Travel Writing class even though every one in it is a much better writer than I am.
• People in America complain about EVERYTHING.

Things I miss (so far) from home...

• My dog
• My car
• Milk sold by the gallon
• My bed
• Baseball
• Cold weather

..and that's about it.  I love it here.

Mission Accomplished

So I've been abroad for exactly one week and so far...this is already the best thing I have ever done.  I've met amazing people and I've seen the most beautiful places that I don’t even know how to describe with words how happy I am.  All my problems at home are suddenly behind me and the only thing that matters is making sure that my time here is the best that it could possibly be.  And so far...mission accomplished. 

I’m one of those people who, although I love (and need) my alone time, I thrive on social interactions.  When arriving into Italy, I already knew that “Step One” for me was to meet a lot of people and make friends.  Done.  All six of my roommates are awesome and we pretty much love each other already.  I was nervous about living with six girls because I assumed that they were likely to have six equally strong personalities...and they do, but in the best way possible.  Aside from them, I have met so many people since we’ve been in Florence.  We have all gone out together every single night since we’ve been in Italy, and every night I meet at least two handfuls of new people...all of whom, are extremely nice and extremely fun.  Turns out that not all the boys are as creepy as I've been warned (emphasis on ALL because obviously some of them are pretty creepy).

Aside from social interactions, I also thrive on new experiences.  I’m sure this will sound corny and cheesy and all the other equivalent words but hopefully someone will understand what I mean when I say that I feel as if and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  Before I left, I told some of my friends that I felt like I was homesick for a place I’ve never been (and yes, I stole that line from “The Mechanic”) but now, I feel like I actually am home.  Life is just so much simpler here.  I’m living in an apartment with no dryer, no microwave, no working television, internet that allows only one person online at a time, a tiny tiny washing machine, a phone that allows for hardly any usage, a bed that’s exponentially less comfortable than my bed at school, and neighbors who complain about us walking too loudly in the stairwell...and yet I struggle to justify any complaints.  I’ve recently felt a bit uncomfortable with America’s materialism because I feel as if I’ve gotten pretty good at living on nothing...in other words, I’m used to being broke.  But here, life is just simple.  I even live on a street that doesn’t allow cars and I love it, which is a big deal to those of you who understand how much I love driving and blasting my music.  I’m sure I’ll miss the luxuries of America at some point but at least for now, I absolutely adore this lifestyle because it’s slower, more relaxed and again...so much simpler.

Two of my goals when coming here were to become fluent in Italian (which will happen because I made it into the Advance Italian class!) and to learn how to cook.  Look at this picture of my first homemade italian meal and try to tell me that I’m NOT going to come home as a master chef. 

Pesto pasta with shrimp, tomatoes and peas

It's also worth mentioning that we have NOTHING in America like they have in Italy.  I thought I saw some beautiful places in France, which I did, but after taking a guided tour of Rome and now being in Florence it just seems crazy to me that in America, when a building gets old, we tear it down and build a strip mall.  Here, when a building gets old, they strive to update it by either cleaning it or making it even more beautiful.

You're Waving Goodbye, Well at Least You're Having Fun..

I'm reading a book right now titled "The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us" (don't ask why) which says that one in 25 people have no conscience.  One in 25 people have no sense of guilt or accountability and no sense of right and wrong.  One in 25...that's 4% of the population.  One is more likely to be sociopathic than to be anorexic.  The book talks about how unfathomable this is to the "normal human" because we're taught that a conscience is something that everybody instinctively has.  One of the hardest things for me to accept is that there is such a thing as a person who has no conscience.  It's even more unpleasant to accept that someone I trusted is one of those people.  I've been told that I have an "overly active conscience."  This makes me a sucker in relationships with these people because one can so easily appeal to my sense of guilt...which leads me to take responsibility for an irredeemable relationship and sometimes even feel guilty for my own hurt feelings.

NEWSFLASH TO MYSELF: Stop.

I get so passionate about things and sometimes that gets me into trouble.  My dad calls it "eternal optimism."  Eternal optimism is the reason why my dog, Bear, thinks that every time someone leaves the house he too will get to go, although 99.9% of the time...that boy's staying home.  Besides comparing myself to my dog, eternal optimism is also the reason why I can try for years to fix something that never wanted to be fixed.  Eternal optimism also causes me to do this with so much passion that it hurts.

I don't mean to sound bitter or cynical...I don't feel either of those things.  But learning that not all are good people is a difficult thing for me to accept.  I tend to put an insurmountable amount of faith in people.  I believe that people are good despite their mistakes.  To learn that some people genuinely don't care to redeem their mistakes because they don't see them as such is a tough pill for me to swallow.  But I also believe that knowledge is power and I have learned that continuing to participate in these kinds of relationships is simply not an option for me...now or ever.  THE GOOD NEWS is that on Sunday (that's five days away!!) I get to leave home, go abroad, and continue living my life the way I prefer to...in peace.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."


Side note: I'm handing out virtual high fives to those who picked up on the Something Corporate reference.

Take...Due!

"Even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."

Yesterday I wrote a post about my family issues that after re-reading a few hours later, I had to remove.  Not because I didn't mean everything I said, but because I don't want my blog tainted by all that anger...and also because I didn't want you to have to read that shit.

SO TODAY I downloaded GoogleEarth and looked at where I'll be living, which turns out, is right smack dab in the middle of heaven!

If you can see the blue square in the very center...that's my apartment.  Yep, that's right, the blue square that's right in between the two huge churches!  That's the Santa Maria del Fiore (the Duomo) in the right corner.  I'll be walking by this every day to go to class.  In the left corner is the Basilica di San Lorenzo.  I'll be walking by this every time I go to my cooking class or my wine appreciation class.  Not to mention that my writing class is right on the river and is a block away from a different church.  Yeah...life is going to be AWESOME!

This Post Has No Title, Hope That's Cool...

So I happen to be taking an Ethics course at the same time that I face an overwhelming ethical dilemma that I wish I could share with you.  Our most recent assignment was to write a Values Statement outlining our five or six most important personal values.  Here is my Values Statement...

       When compiling a list of my personal values, I primarily consider how I prefer to treat people and the ways in which I prefer to approach conflict.  First, I value peace; not hippie-flowers-and-world-peace kind of peace (although that's good too), but instead a sense of internal calmness.  I believe it is important to have a sense of calmness when faced with people or situations over which we have no control.  To have this kind of peace is to have a strong sense of optimism that painful situations are temporary and that life will go on, even if not in the immediate future.

        I rarely expect life to go on without difficulty, which is why I also value strength.  It's true that the only thing in life we can control is ourself.  I value strength because I believe it is important for people to be able to stand on their own two feet in order to persevere in face of the things they can't control.  I believe that the way out of painful situations is always through them, which undoubtedly requires hard work.  I further believe that we find strength in doing what we believe is right despite the risk of difficult consequences.  I value strength as a means of trusting myself to determine my own way of going through life, despite negative influences.

       I also value empathy as a means of acceptance and forgiveness.  I find that the ability to imagine yourself in someone else's shoes is extremely important because I firmly believe the world would be a better place if everyone sought simply to be more understanding.  With empathy, we can learn to accept the things about one another that makes things difficult.  I value the ability to accept differences without trying to change them.  I also value empathy in relationships because it allows people to share one another's pains and joys.  Empathy is the reason people care for one another.

       Furthermore, I value learning because it is crucial to growth.  I learn something from each difficult person I meet or each difficult situation I face.  I learn something about the way I prefer to approach people and I am reminded about what's important.  I believe in constantly trying to make myself better.  The only way to make myself better is to learn HOW to make myself better.  I find it to be true that experience is the best teacher.  With each difficult person I encounter, I learn more about the person I want to be.

       While I do seek to grow, I also seek to stay young which is why I value youthfulness.  With youthfulness comes humor and fun: two things I find essential to happiness no matter how peaceful or strong a person may be.  I believe finding a reason to laugh is a skill that's highly underrated because it keeps us young.  Life is hard enough on its own without us taking it more seriously that we should.  I value youthfulness because I think it's important to be excited about every stage of life.

       Finally, I value thankfulness.  I believe that there is always something to be thankful for or happy about.  I believe those who are fortunate should appreciate and be grateful for everything they have and I believe that finding something to be grateful for can ease pain during difficult situations.  I appreciate everything I've been given and when life is painful, I remember to be grateful that I have my health, my family and my future.  I value thankfulness because experience has taught me that it can drastically improve one's state of mind and give way to a sense of simplicity and peace.

"Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement."


"Inspire others to be their best by being your best."

Live As Well As You Dare

I edited my bucket list the other day and I thought I'd be predictable and share it with you.  I'll be happy if I don't do everything on my list...but it's cool to think about and I encourage everyone to make a bucket list.  DO IIIIIIT!!

Bold is for things I've either already done, or plan to do while abroad.

1. Learn how to surf
2. Learn how to salsa dance
3. Learn how to juggle
4. Do hot yoga
5. Go skydiving
6. Go bungee jumping
7. Go scuba-diving
8. Ride in a hot air balloon
9. Be fluent in at least 4 languages (halfway there!)
10. Get a tattoo (So soon!)
11. Learn how to play guitar
12. Cook my way through an entire cookbook
13. Learn how to drive a stick
14. Create a list of old and/or foreign movies and watch them all
15. Attend a reality TV reunion show
16. Attend a fashion show
17. Learn about Feng Shui
18. Learn how to meditate
19. Visit a psychic
20. Get hypnotized
21. Ride on a motorcycle
22. Ride in a helicopter
23. Send a message in a bottle
24. Take a belly dancing class
25. Grow a bonsai tree
26. Grow my own tomatoes
27. Grow my own orchids
28. Give a toast
29. Buy a drink for everyone in the bar
30. Help restore a classic car
31. Spend the night in a haunted house
32. Watch every movie that has won an Academy Award for Best Picture
33. Learn how to change a flat tire
34. Take a kick boxing class
35. Learn how to sail
36. Go white water rafting (done!)
37. Experience weightlessness
38. Learn Sign Language
39. Have *** in a library
40. Have *** on the beach...only with the right person
41. Join the Mile High Club
42. Go to a shooting range
43. Compose a song on piano
44. Go on a canopy tour
45. Ride a mechanical bull
46. Ride a dirt bike
47. Have a reason to say, "Quick, follow that car!"
48. Go whale-watching
49. Adopt a dog from an animal shelter
50. Spend time at a spiritual retreat
51. Read the entire Bible

52. Start keeping up with NFL
53. Start keeping up with NHL
54. Go to a World Cup game
55. Go to an NBA finals game
56. Meet Rajon Rondo
57. Go to a World Series game
58. Go to an NCAA Basketball Championship game
59. Go to the Kentucky Derby
60. Go to a Rodeo
61. Go to a game in Rupp Arena
62. Go to a Celtics v. Lakers game in Boston
63. Go to a Kansas v. Kentucky basketball game

64. Go to Carnivale in Venice
65. Go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras
66. Salsa dance in Cuba
67. See the Egyptian pyramids
68. Stand on the Wall of China
69. Throw a coin in the Trevy Fountain
70. Go back to Paris and repeat the walk from Arc de Triomphe to the Eiffel Tower
71. Ride in a gondola
72. See an opera in Italy
73. Go on an Alaskan cruise
74. Visit to Hawaii
75. See the White House
76. Visit the Hershey Chocolate Factory in Pennsylvania
77. Visit the Four Corners (AZ, NM, UT, CO)
78. Go to the Playboy Mansion
79. Go to Ground Zero
80. Visit the Statue of Liberty
81. Ice skate at Rockefeller Center during Christmas time
82. See the Northern Lights
83. Gamble in Las Vegas (done!)
84. Go to the Brazilian Carnival
85. Buy weed in Amsterdam
86. Go to Times Square on New Year's Eve
87. Eat escargot
88. Eat a fruit I've never heard of
89. Visit a winery in Napa Valley
90. Watch a sumo wrestling match in Japan
91. Visit an Ashram
92. Go on an African safari
93. Walk in a rain forest
94. Snowboard in the Alps
95. Shop on Rodeo Drive
96. Visit the Wailing Wall
97. Ride a camel
98. Ride an elephant
99. See a kangaroo
100. Go to Oktoberfest
101. Visit Quebec
102. Participate in La Tomatina in Spain
103. See an eruption of Old Faithful
104. Visit a Spanish winery


105. Fall in love
106. Get married
107. Have a 50th wedding anniversary
108. Have a child
109. Adopt a child
110. Have a large family
111. Fly in a jet that Chris has worked on
112. Send children to college without student loans
113. Live abroad for at least one year
114. Go back to school
115. Live alone with my own dog
116. Have a blog among the top 1000
117. Become a runner
118. Take up yoga
119. Volunteer in a Third World country
120. Work for a political campaign
121. Have my photography published
122. Write a book
123. Give piano lessons
124. Have a basement dedicated to sports memorabilia
125. Have Thanksgiving dinner with Mom's side of the family
126. Take Dad on a vacation
127. Be a great-grandmother

"Live as well as you dare" -- Sydney Smith

My Mother's Daughter

"I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become." -- Oprah


Being my mother's daughter is a lot of work.  It forces me to grow up faster than I would like and make sense of things that feel entirely beyond my years.  It forces me to play the role of "detective" in search for the truth and it forces me to be the "bigger person" more often than I would like.  I take on these responsibilities and I strive to be a good person, but as a 21-year-old with a personality as big and stubborn as my own, sometimes I just want to fight.  I crave the occasional opportunity to yell or have an outburst of immaturity...but being my mother's daughter becomes only a series of fights and blackmail if I surrender to these temptations.  And the irony is that, while I strive for a calm and simple life, my mother continues to see me simply as a rebellious teenager with an "attitude" she never learned how to control.

Being my mother's daughter means that family issues are guaranteed to go unresolved.  The rooms of my mother's house remain occupied by several giant elephants that portray my mother in a negative light.  I will unconditionally love my mom until the day that I die, but that doesn't come without the knowledge that she is excellent at making awful decisions.  My mom has made a series of bad decisions at the expense of our family, yet these things go unresolved because my mother has learned how to deceive herself better than anyone else I have yet to meet.  She has the ability to block out conversations, fights or even entire life tragedies simply by telling herself that they didn't happen or that they were someone else's "fault."  I have only a theory about what could cause a person to be so afraid of the truth, and that's guilt.

With the understanding that I may be wrong, I have come to believe that my mother is afraid to face her mistakes.  Doing so simply causes her more pain than she knows what to do with.  The way I've learned to love my mom is by feeling sympathy for the heavy weight that she carries, even if the weight is rightfully hers, and even if she doesn't realize she's carrying it.  I love my mother because I try to accept the things about her that makes things for me more difficult.  Accepting my mother's denial and guilt is difficult because they so closely affect me and so often piss me off, but I guess the silver lining is that I've become determined to live my life without the company of such giant elephants.

I've learned that everybody has a different way of dealing with the things they can't control.  Life has thrown my mother a lot of curveballs that she never learned how to deal with.  Learning that life has essentially defeated her is a tough pill to swallow.  It's like I said...I love my mother unconditionally, but being my mother's daughter isn't easy.

"La calma è la virtù dei forti." -- "Tranquility is a virtue of the strong."

Show on the Road, Please!

I haven't been writing lately.  This is partially because I get insecure about my writing skills and partially because I have not been finding myself all that interesting lately.  I go to class, I go to work, and during my free time I try not to wait around for the arrival of August 28th.  However I still feel extremely restless.  I am restless with my life as if I'm waiting for something interesting to happen.  I'm ready to experience something different.  Something other than living in Lawrence and waiting tables.  I love Lawrence and I love the life I have here, but I've already lived it.

I've hit some extremely high highs here as well as some pretty low lows.  I've surprised myself and I've let myself down.  I've been a leader which I enjoyed...as well as hated.  I've been in love and I've also been heartbroken.  I have felt helpless, stupid, and at times really really pissed.  I've worried about what others think of me and I've given up worrying about what others think of me.  I've been a bitch and I've been a people pleaser (I found that when given the option, I will choose to be a bitch over a people pleaser any day).  I've met some pretty unreasonable people and I've met some of the best people I know.  I've learned a lot so far and I can honestly say that I don't have any regrets, but I can also honestly say that I am ready for a break from this place.  I know the "Show Goes On" but can we not just get this show on the road?!  I'm waiting!

My "Mundane" Life

"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."

To paint you a picture of my current life: today I went to work, made about $80, bought a bottle of wine on my way home, and am now sitting in bed with my laptop and a chick flick to keep me company.  Since the semester has ended, my life consists of working.  Working and hanging out by myself.  As pathetic as that sounds, I've started to enjoy it.  I've either done a good job of distracting myself from the lack of friends I have in town or I'm just appreciating the alone time.  But while adjusting to the current mundaneness of my summer life, I've had the chance to do a lot of thinking (shocker, I know).

There have been a few bad days since Lawrence has become a ghost town...like days when I don't make money at work, or when I spend my day off at Midas putting far too much money toward fixing my car.  But then I remember that I don't have bad days very often.  About 4 or 5 years ago, it seemed that most days were bad days.  I don't too much enjoy feeling sorry for myself, especially when my biggest problems are things as insignificant as money and boredom.  I'm sure not everybody works in the same way I do but for me, the dull times allow me to check in, or "reflect," for lack of a word less corny.  I tend to find clarity in the transition times.

Aside from making a lot of new friends at work, I've been spending my free time exploring the forgotten parts of my music library, expanding my sports repertoire, and reading for actual pleasure.  This is the first time I've written in a while because I feel like I have nothing new or exciting to report except for the fact that I'm enjoying the mundaneness.  As my roommate and I always used to say, "Hindsight is 20/20."  The things I've been thinking about lately include annoyingly deep subjects such as god, religion, my previously mentioned love life and my family.  I'm sure I'll bore you on those subjects at a later date but for now, I'm simply enjoying my routine and I CANNOT wait until Vegas.  Only 2 days!!!

I'm sure I'll have far more interesting stories to share once I return.

"Those who fly solo sometimes have the strongest wings."

Let's Get Personal, I Guess..

So, I spoke last time about my willingness to make myself "fantastically uncomfortable."  I would hate to be all talk, so here we go.  Now I promise not to always bore you with the ins and outs of my love life but for the sake of being very uncomfortable, it feels like a logical place to start.  So I guess we're doing this.  I guess we're getting personal...

I am not a "girlfriend girl."  I never have been.  I was in a relationship for the majority of my freshman year.  None prior and none since.  Don't get me wrong, I love boys.  I'll even tell you that I'm in the process of getting over one right now.  His name is none of your business but you can call him Dance (bear with me on this).  I came to college wanting a boyfriend, and so I got one.  I tried to be a "girlfriend girl" and although it was fun for a while, I learned that being asked to give up my independence is like being asked to give up my right arm.  It's just not happening.  It's like I said, I love guys...but I'm no "girlfriend girl."

So instead of a boyfriend, I choose to love everything else.  I love my family, my friends, my school, my hobbies and even my dog with an unconditional passion.  Remember, I did tell you that I'm "shouting from the rooftops" here.  So what about Dance?  It's like I said, I'm currently getting over Dance.  Dance was my first love and after attending my first class, Dance and I couldn't get enough of each other.  We had fun, a lot of fun...that is until things got complicated.  Near the end of high school, Dance stopped being about having fun and started being about trying to impress (a losing battle, might I add).  I gave Dance everything I had...but it eventually stopped making me happy.  So I'm ready to find something else to be wildly passionately about.  I still love Dance and I always will but it's different now.  Now I love Dance not because I expect it to love me back, but simply because Dance will always be important to me.

I'm finding now that I am passionate about other things.  There are no male equivalents to any of those other things...but when you're as lucky as I am, there really doesn't need to be.

"Do things with passion or not at all."

Embarrassment Is Overrated

"Sometimes I pretend to be normal.  But it gets boring so I go back to being me." - Anonymous

After reading my previous entry, my dad asked me if I'm serious about the level of honesty with which I plan to write.  The answer is yes, I'm serious.  I promised myself, and now I promise you, that aside from keeping things PG-ish, I plan to hold nothing back.  If you knew me in high school then you probably know that I used to value my secrets...well, not anymore.  I can't successfully pinpoint when it happened, but I learned a while back that secrets are pretty exhausting.  I've learned that guarding your heart with a smorgasbord of defensive trick plays is also tremendously exhausting (yes, I said smorgasbord).  It will undoubtedly be far more difficult to bear my soul to an audience than to my friends and family who I trust, but I'm confident that I'll soon recover from the initial awkwardness.  I realize that it probably makes no difference to you whether or not I succeed in making myself an open book...but I promised myself.  And I never break a promise.

I'm at a point in my life when I'm ready and willing to make myself terrifically uncomfortable.  It has worked out really well for me in the past, so I figured I'd go ahead and see what else I'm capable of.  Sharing the sometimes awkwardly private aspects of my life WILL be uncomfortable and knowing myself as well as I do, I'm destined to embarrass myself a time or two..or three.  But if the worst case scenario is that you will judge me, then I'm already over it.

Embarrassment is Overrated.

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all.  In which case, you fail by default." - J.K. Rowling

Welp, Here Goes Nothing...

So I'm actually doing this.  I always knew I was going to start a blog before studying abroad but so much is happening recently that I see no purpose in waiting until August.  When mulling over the decision of how honest I plan to be in my writing, I was hesitant about how much I'm willing to let you know about me.  But then I realized that I'm actually pretty great so I'm no longer worried about the judgement I may receive once you realize that I'm a piece of work.

Some people, when they're in love and what not, feel as if they want to shout it from the rooftops.  Not to be cliché or feed into the love song fantasy, but this blog is my way of shouting from the rooftops how much I love my life.  I've been through a lot and there are many reasons for me not to love my life as much as I do.  For those who choose to continue reading, you will learn about those reasons but you will also learn about all the things that make my life so unreal and fantastic so try not to get jealous.

With four of my five best friends getting ready to graduate and begin the rest of their lives..combined with me getting ready to go abroad..and topped off with a "save the date" for the wedding of the one friend who's known my since we were too young to even remember (cough cough Robert)...it has hit me that we're all growing up.  I, personally like change.  I think it's exciting. But I also love being young, so I'm writing this blog so I can remember this time of my life.  This blog is also for my family and my friends who might as well be family so you can always be with me (don't cry Stephanie).

My life is anything but boring so try to keep up...because Here Goes Nothing.

I also plan to occasionally share my photos from Italy, so here's a preview of what you're in for ladies and gentlemen: